When someone comes to you for help, what do you do next?

Responding to disclosure

Begin with courage, worth, and hope. Thank the person for trusting you. Listen calmly, without rushing to fix everything or asking for graphic details.

If it fits the person’s beliefs, you might say: “I’m glad you told me. This struggle does not erase your worth as a child of God. We can talk honestly about what happened and what you want to change.”

In the Counterfeit Emotions framework, guilt can invite responsibility for a choice; shame turns that choice into a verdict on a person’s value. Help them acknowledge the impact of their actions while holding on to hope.

Explain the limits of confidentiality, and agree on one next step and a time to follow up.

Questions that help

Get curious about the person beneath the pattern. Alongside discussing the behavior, explore what they were feeling and what they hoped pornography would provide.

Try one question at a time:

• “What was happening, and what were you feeling, before you turned to pornography?”
• “What were you hoping it would give you: relief, comfort, escape, or connection?”
• “What do you want to be different?”
• “What could you try next time, and who could support you?”

Reflect back what you hear. After a setback, explore what they learned and how their plan could change. Ask whether connection with God or other spiritual practices is meaningful to them. Make room for connection with themselves and others, whatever their beliefs.

Supporting spouses and referrals

Ask what the spouse needs, too. Make room for hurt, anger, uncertainty, and her own support. She is not responsible for monitoring his behavior or making his recovery happen.

Kind versus nice means caring while being honest about needs and limits. Support clear boundaries without pressuring forgiveness, closeness, or restored trust before she is ready.

Your spiritual care can be one part of a wider circle of support. Encourage trusted support beyond your meetings and qualified mental-health care when needs extend beyond your role. Counterfeit Emotions offers coaching and education; it does not replace therapy.

Her feelings deserve to be heard. When she is ready, offer the spouse guide as an opportunity to understand more, practice curiosity, and care for her own needs.

Get A Spouse’s Guide to Support in Recovery →